When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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