this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
