it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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