either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
