The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
