if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
