Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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