and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
