she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
