If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
