We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He? As in you personified your dick?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
