the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
