I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
