I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
