No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
