if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
