i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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