Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
