if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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