can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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