He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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