I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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