Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
