Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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