Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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