Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
