dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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