At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
