I wish they made helmets for livers.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
