i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
