my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
