I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I need to calm my uterus...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
