I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
