apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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