I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
