If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
