Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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