do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
