The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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