The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
