you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
