My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
