you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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