Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
