someone get that fucking seahorse.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
