filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
