I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
