also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
