Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
