You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
