my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
