we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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