Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
