so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
