my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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