Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
