So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
