well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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