wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
