So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
